The threat beneath us

Fearful Leader’s visionary nature has allowed him to see that not all threats are external. On the contrary! cries Fearful Leader in his native tongue, which is not French.

Lo, Fearful Leader has detected threats coming from within our very borders – from beneath our very feet! Often, the location of these threats is indicated by a small dearth of grass coverage, suggesting that the lurking threat incompletely disguised its tracks when it burrowed into our hallowed grounds. But Fearful Leader hones right in on these sinister bare patches, which are frequently no more than two inches in diameter.

Yea, he falls upon them and immediately sets to banishing the interloper from our land, and as he claws through the tainted earth, seeking the menace that surely lurks beneath, Fearful Leader’s face assumes a luminous expression, one of saturating glee, for a beatific purpose has coursed through his veins and granted him a joyousness that we yearn someday to know, a joyousness that permits him to relish the liminality of his endeavor through the knowledge that eventually he shall accomplish his altruistic goal of supreme victory, even if in the meantime he is often thwarted from completing his mission when the holes grow too deep for us to bear and we involuntarily cry out, “No! No! No more fucking holes!”

Humbly, we admit that we are lesser beings at present, but we strive for improvement such that in the future our outdated notions regarding landscaping shall disperse, and we will possess the fortitude to permit Fearful Leader to complete his undertakings.